They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
