A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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