Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
