Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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