Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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