RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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