Duck Duck Cougar?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
