You made me cry and you don't even care
To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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