This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Less talking, more tequila
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
