last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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