I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
