My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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