im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
