Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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