i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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