I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
