I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
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