I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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