If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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