When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
It all started with a game of naked twister.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
