Apparently you make a good broom.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
