hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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