Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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