I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
