pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
