Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
