I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
