I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
how does that bad decision feel?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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