absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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