Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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