So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Randomize
