...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
