I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i would punch a child for taco bell
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
