If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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