hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
