I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Randomize
