drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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