how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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