winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
