She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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