i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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