Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I need to stop coming to work sober
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
