and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
