I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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