Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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