I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
