I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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