Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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