My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
