I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
