I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
